


Mario Kartkat

by macNcheeseable



Category: Homestuck, Mario Kart - Fandom
Genre: Act Six, Gen, Mario Kart, Meteor, Meteorstuck, Trolls, Video & Computer Games
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-07
Updated: 2014-07-07
Packaged: 2018-02-07 21:48:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1915026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/macNcheeseable/pseuds/macNcheeseable
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave and Karkat play Mario Kart with interesting results.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mario Kartkat

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfiction I've written ever, and I don't normally read fanfiction (basically I have no idea what I'm doing). So I apologize if I represented the characters incorrectly or have done something wrong. Feedback would be great though, please tell me what you think!

“Dude, you’ll never guess what I just zapped out of the alchemizer,” Dave said, busting into the common room in a way that caused Karkat to jump out of his beanbag and crush his box of tissues.

“I GUESS APPLE JUICE,” Karkat yelled, trying to drown out the RomCom he was frantically trying to turn off. Luckily Dave was too excited to notice.

“Sadly the mystery of that god nectar evades me. I have spent hours mixing combinations like a lovesick alcoholic, trying to figure out how to get that delicious fruit milk, yet my efforts have been fruitless.”

His pun was greeted by what looked like the stare of a dead fish.

“Okay, yeah that one was pretty awful. Anyway, I’ve put Rose on apple juice duty. Don’t worry buddy, soon the rivers of can town will be flowing yellow. But not in a gross way. In a delicious way.”

“YES BECAUSE MY BIGGEST CONCERN WAS IF THE RESIDENTS OF CAN TOWN HAD AN ADEQUATE LIQUID SUPPLY. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THINKING OF THOSE THIRSTY CANS EVEN THOUGH CANS CANNOT POSSIBLY BE THIRSTY SEEING AS THEY ARE NOT TRULY ALIVE. I’M SURE SOON THIS CONFLICT WILL BE WRAPPED UP NICELY IN A SHIT COLORED RIBBON BEFORE-”

Dave swung the bag he had been carrying and hit Karkat sharply on the nose with its boxy contents.

“OW.”

“Alright, Loudpants, shouty time is over. Apple juice wasn’t what I came in here to talk about. Though I could talk about apple juice all day. Anytime you want to have a juice-related chat, I’m your guy. But here, this is what I came about.”

He opened up the bag and poured a white box and a couple of remotes on the floor.

“WHAT FRESH FUCK IS THIS.”

“Calm down. Did they not have Wiis on your planet?”

“OF COURSE WE HAD WIIS. WE HAD THE BEST WIIS. IS THAT SOME KIND OF INNUENDO.”

“Yep. The entire point of a Wii is to make you, King of the Angry Pants, uncomfortable.”

Dave unplugged the DVD player and instead plugged up the game console while Karkat frowned, trying to tell how much of his statement was sarcasm. When Dave hit the power button, the surround-sound speakers made a bell-chiming sound that could probably be heard across paradox space.

“OH JEGUS” Karkat yelped.

“Hahaha, oh man, I forgot it did that. You should have seen your face. What were you watching before this that was up so loud?”

“NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS,” he snapped.

“Fine, fine. As if everyone on this lump of coal doesn’t know you sit in here and watch _Sleepless in Seattle_.”

“MEG RYAN WAS A GIFT TO YOUR SORRY RACE. AND HOW DID YOU KNOW I’VE BEEN DOING THAT. DO YOU SPY ON ME DAVE?”

“Uh, no. I have much better things to occupy my time with besides watching you cry over chick flicks. For example, counting every one of my hairs. Or writing a 200 page paper for my The History of the Vantas Stank class. Or whatever shit Kanaya and Rose do all day.

“Anyways, enough about our boring lives on this dumb rock. This is about victory and defeat and lost friendships and trying not to drive off of a rainbow.” Dave handed Karkat a wiimote.

Karkat gripped the wiimote tightly with both hands, holding it about a foot from his chest, and looked like he was thinking hard. “IS THE RAINBOW THING ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR HUMAN INNUENDOS.”

“Oh my god, Kar, why do you think everything I say is an innuendo? Also, you don’t hold it like that, what do you think it is, a bomb?. Hold it like this…” He reached over and tugged the remote so it was sideways and attempted to curl the stubborn troll’s fingers around it.

“STOP TOUCHING ME, DON’T DO… DAVE STOP. I CAN HOLD THIS STUPID WIISTICK BY ITSELF”

“Mr. Vantas, was that a fucking innuendo?”

Dave pointed his remote at the screen and clicked on the button to load the game.

“Okay, so crash course. This is the best racing game ever invented by the human race. Those nintendo dudes really knew what they were doing.”

He stopped to have a moment of silence for the poor lost souls of Nintendo Co. Karkat stared at him uncertainly while a stoic tear rolled dramatically down his cheek from under his glasses as the Mario Kart theme music played.

“Anyway, history aside, the basic premise is to stay on the fucking road and beat everyone else. Not that complicated. Hit 2 to go, turn the wiimote to turn, and hit the arrow button to throw stuff in order to crush your enemies. Got it, good.”

Dave opened the character selection screen and immediately picked Toad.

“OKAY WHAT DO I DO NOW?” Karkat was rapidly turning his remote back and forth. Dave sighed.

“Dude, we’re not racing yet. You still have to pick your character.”

“I OBVIOUSLY KNEW THAT. I WAS JUST TRYING TO TEST OUT THE CONTROLS.”

Karkat took forever scrolling through all the characters. “THERE IS NO WAY MOST OF THESE ARE HUMAN. DID WE JUST GET A BORING GROUP OF HUMANS? WHY CAN’T ONE OF YOU BEEN PINK WITH A BLACK HOLE FOR A FACE? AND WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR CHARACTER WEARING ON YOUR HEAD?”

“Whoa, don’t diss Toad. Toad is the shit”

“WHATEVER. I’LL PICK THIS GRAY TURTLE THING”

“Perfect. Okay now don’t take so long to pick your kart. I want to play sometime by the time this meteor gets to the other session. We’ll get there and I’ll be like ‘Sorry kid parents! You have to wait because my buddy Karkat here is still weighing his decisions on whether to choose automatic or manual. Oh, and Jack Noir is coming up quick behind us? Nope, he’ll just have to stop his little murderous butt. My tear-soaked reunion with John and Jade? I’ll have to put it on my to do list until we figure out if we’re doing Moo Moo Meadows or Coconut Mall first.”

“LOOK HERE YOU STUPID MAGGOT. I ALREADY PICKED A CAR AND YOU’RE STILL BLABBING. WHO’S THE SLOWPOKE NOW?”

“Yes, yes, congrats on your Standard Kart S.”

Dave decided to pick an easy track to start with out of fairness. “Look, we’re going to do Luigi Circuit first so you can figure out how to play. I’ll go easy on you to start with.”

“I DON’T NEED TO BE BABIED DAVE, I CAN FIGURE IT OUT MYSELF. GOD, YOU ACT LIKE WE DIDN’T HAVE RACING GAMES ON ALTERNIA. I KNOW HOW TO FUCKING DRIVE A VIRTUAL CAR.”

“Okay, if you don’t want me to go easy, I’ll play normal. But I’m warning you, my Mario Kart skillz have no parallel. The only thing better than my actual Mario Kart skill is my trash talking ability. That’s a big part of this game, you know. If you can’t talk shit about each other, why are you even playing?”

“SHUT UP DIRTBALL AND JUST START THE FUCKING GAME ALREADY.”

“That was terrible. But I guess its a start,” Dave shrugged while hitting the button to begin the race.

It didn’t really come as a surprise to anyone that Dave actually sucked at Mario Kart. It appeared that he really didn’t care about winning, more about making sure no one else could win. He would sit content in sixth or seventh place, wreaking as much havoc as possible with lightning bolts, turtle shells, bombs, and bloopers. Cheating must have been involved, because there was no way one person could get that many high-power item boxes.

Karkat wasn’t bad once he got the hang of the game. He was a steady second or third place player, and would probably have been even better if Dave hadn’t made it his personal goal to dole out as much chaos as possible on the poor troll. It didn’t help that Dave would constantly tease him and sometimes include physical attacks in his onslaught. Every now and then Dave would stick a foot in Karkat’s face so he couldn’t see or try to shove him from his beanbag during the middle of an important turn. Before long, the only sound that could be heard in this whole floor in the meteor was a steady stream of obnoxiously loud expletives.

The whole messy affair kind of climaxed when on a very pivotal race Karkat had finally managed to pull into first and was coming towards the home stretch. Seconds from victory, Dave’s blue spikey shell zeroed in and totalled his car. As four people, including Toad, sailed past him across the finish line while Dry Bones flipped erratically, Dave began crying tears of laughter.

“I’m sorry…but you should see your face!” he wheezed while holding his stomach and pointing his remote at Karkat’s face, which was steadily turning from grey to red.

“THAT’S IT!” he screamed, throwing his remote and lunging over the bean bags at Dave. All the normal troll social codes were thrown to the wind as he put his arm around Dave’s neck. Dave at first was taken by surprise, but his years of strifes with Bro took over quickly. Bashing Karkat in the nose with his wiimote, he was able to flip him over and stick his foot in the troll’s cheek, forcing his head to the floor.

“Yeah, maybe don’t try that again,” Strider said as he brushed off his hands and readjusted his shades. Suddenly he fell down again as a sharp pain shot up his ankle.

“You bit me?!” he asked incredulously as he looked down at the bitemarks caused by Karkat’s sharp teeth. “Big mistake, bud.”

It was an out-and-out, no holds barred wrestling match now. Punches were thrown, kicks were made, eyes were poked, faces were sat on, and at one point a certain person got another person's toe up their nose. Dave finally managed to grab a big fist of hair and look like he could gain the upper hand again, but Karkat was having none of it and punching him back relentlessly in the gut. Suddenly they realized they were no longer alone in the room.

“Um…do you need assistance?” Kanaya asked uncertainly.

Dave let go of Karkat’s hair, gave him a final shove, and took a step back. “Its okay Maryam, you can focus your ashen-colored eye daggers elsewhere. This is how every game of Mario Kart goes.”

“Somehow I doubt that,” she said slowly, eyeing the bite and scratch marks covering both of the boys.

Dave shrugged and looked at Karkat, who was still panting heavily and looking a little embarrassed. “Every game _I’ve_ ever had has ended like this.”

Kanaya looked at the screen, which was showing that Karkat’s character was still sitting right at the finish line.

“What game is this anyway?”

“SOME RETARDED HUMAN GAME DAVE IS FORCING ME TO PLAY. IT’S ALMOST WORSE THAN HIM.” Karkat explained after catching his breath enough to speak again.

“Oh, Naya, you should totally play the next round. Where’s Rose, she should so play too, we would play online every now and then and she was almost as good as me.”

“WELL THAN SHE MUST BE FUCKING AWFUL BECAUSE YOU FUCKING SUCK.”

“Wow, you’re getting better at this trash talking thing Kar!”

“Yes, I’ll go get Rose. But…” Kanaya looked around a little shiftily. “Can you teach me to play before she joins? I don’t…want to make a fool of myself.”

Dave winked at Karkat, which confused him because he wasn’t really paying attention, he was plotting on how to douse Dave in slime the next time he went to sleep. Dave told Kanaya he’d be happy to teach her and forced Karkat to play again as well.

He explained the controls, and the character and kart selection went much faster this time because Karkat was only paying half attention and wasn’t arguing so much anymore. Then he started her out on an easy race like with Karkat.

Karkat’s plan was to double his enthusiasm so he could definitely beat Dave this time. Dave’s plan was to double his offense on Karkat. Kanaya’s plan was to not lose terribly. And so no one expected it, Kanaya least of all, when she sailed past the finish line 10 seconds before anyone else.

“Wow, that was some crazy beginner’s luck. Maybe we should have invited Rose after all so she could have seen that,” Dave said, shaking his head.

The next race Kanaya finished 25 seconds before anyone else. Karkat and Dave both realized what was happening and decided to stop trying to destroy each other and focus on the real issue. But no matter what they did, the rainbow drinker was unstoppable. By the fourth race, Dave and Karkat were both breathing heavily and massaging their cramped hands as Kanaya lapped everyone and pulled in a full minute and a half before anyone else.

“Well, that was a nice distraction for a bit, but to be honest it was a kind of lame game. I’ll leave you guys to it I guess. Try not to kill each other again,” she said after they had finally crossed the finish line. Then she stood up and left.

“Dude, how lame am I? I’m exhausted after playing a video game,” Dave said, stretching his arm and taking deep breaths.

“TELL ME ABOUT IT. I’M ACTUALLY GLAD SHE’S NOT BRINGING ROSE TO PLAY AGAIN. WE SUCK AT THIS GAME.”

“I actually have to agree with you. We suck.” Dave stood up and unplugged the Wii console. “I say we dump this and never speak of it again. No one must know.”

“YES, DEFINITELY. WHY’D WE DECIDE TO PLAY A VIDEO GAME ANYWAY? WASN’T IT SOME PIECE OF SHIT GAME THAT GOT US INTO THIS FUCKING CATASTROPHE IN THE FIRST PLACE?”

 


End file.
